chiming, chiming

i've been punching myself in the jaw and around the brain really hard for a week now. it's all flooding back and it would be okay but the eyes i see

aren't working, i stopped seeing them for years, no more flashing back like this

except one night in L.A. and then until i met jason, the best friend i could have hoped for, the one who wouldn't let me let my friends bully me into accepting abuse

and now since last tuesday it's been

so

i can't stop it, i can't end it

because

intro to shakespeare is inextricably linked to sexual abuse

audism

and i just panic and try

to kill myself--the story unfolds and i'm just not there anymore

i thought that i didn't need it

that locking eyes and smiles

would keep the devastation at bay, guiding

me into a new skin

it's like you went zen in the time i learned i was alone

i can't stop it because i threw it all away

why do i have to see the eyes

to drown out your gray